Right. So that’s me back from international duty – time to catch up on all that’s been happening while I’ve been away not paying too much attention to events concerning our beautiful game.
Let’s see.
Our clubs are out of Europe (well, not quite. Ah no – wait), Hearts have a new manager, Scotland are pretty much out of contention for the Euro’s next year, Colin Calderwood is still somehow manager at bottom-of-the-table Hibs, and Aberdeen are doing their level best to justify building a new stadium next year that they couldnae fill based on our ongoing run of ‘form’. Rangers continue to have problems with the taxman, Dundee United continue to cling on to their past (#lolquote “following consultation with McLean”) and Henry McLeish (mind of him?) is just coming around to the fact that the only contribution his report has made is to the share prices of companies in the paper waste disposal trade.
So to summarise: I appreciate we’re only six games in, but it doesn’t look like I’ve missed much. Apart from Motherwell being second in the league and St Mirren seven thousand points above my beloved Aberdeen FC (fit the fuck is that ah aboot min?) everything seems to be the way it should be.
And that’s a comforting thought in these days of economic Armageddon, recreational rioting and drunken elks in trees. It’s good to know that some things at least don’t change.
Predictably the laptop emo boys have been slicing their forearms open in self harming despair at it all, but I say: fuck it. Fuck it all totally. Cram it with walnuts. Be happy with what you have, sadsacks, because for all its flaws, it is still the best game in the world.
Aye. It’s true. I used to be a hater, but now I’m a player. I’ve become zen-like in my thoughts and feelings on the game. I’ve decided that Scottish football is like the buck-toothed girl in Luxembourg that Morrisey spent his summers writing to. Sure, she ain’t pretty, but at least she’s there.
So, I’ll no longer hear talk of the state of Scottish football. You see, I’ve come to the conclusion that the mince-like state (@oxford_dictionary can we have the word “minceness” in the dictionary next year please?) of our game is very subjective and really only appropriate when comparing it to other nations.
For example, there’s no point in comparing our game to the fancydans of the EPL. Or with that of Spain, a league that’s about as uncompetitive as this lot. We’re not Brazil (sit down Cowdenbeath. We’re not the Bundesliga with their sensible approach to football finance. We’re not Holland with its youth setup designed to fuel the export market in Dutch ‘talent’.
Instead, take your average SPL game and compare it to your average EPL game between two sides that have less than hee-haw chance of winning the league. For example, this weekend’s fixtures between Kilmarnock (great pies by the way) v Dunfermline and Norwich v West Brom. Stick it out long enough, and you’re not going to see much difference (apart from fuller stadiums). The football is the same – pass, pass, misplaced pass, moment of silky skill, refereeing mistake, a hoof up the park and dodgy goal (possibly offside). Repeat for 90 minutes (or 96 if you’re Man United or an Old Firm team).
My message: stop comparing Scottish football with that of our neighbours. The grass may be greener on the other side (it’s probably astroturf anyway), but dig beneath the surface and the problems are all the same.
English football may be “the best in the world”, but since the EPL came into being, ticket prices have been rising above and beyond the rate of inflation to pay for the excesses in the boardroom forcing out many fans that used to fill the terraces for generations in favour of corporate fans and sponsors.
Italian football might have given us some of the greatest names in the sport, but their league is one of the most corrupt on the planet. French football is dull as dishwater and Spanish football is (like most sports leagues these days) becoming uncompetitive as the money pours in.
See? Scottish football is not much different, is it? Just fucking enjoy it, whatever games you’re going to this weekend.
